Chorlton Belters Veloclub
Club Rules
Cycling
is about having fun, keeping fit, and getting away from the wife and kids for
some precious and much-needed ‘me time’. But being a member of the prestigious
Chorlton Belters Veloclub carries a certain level of responsibility. In order
to maintain the standards expected, all Belters should pay strict attention to
the following rules*:
1.
To quote a famous Texan cyclist,
“It’s not about the bike”. For Belters, it is all about the Donkey. We ride to
spot as many Donkeys as possible and do not hold any embarrassment for our love
of these lovely ickle creatures.
2.
All rides are to be rated using the
official ‘Donkey Co-efficient System’. The DCS works as follows: the number of
Donkeys spotted on the ride shall be divided by the inverse of the total ride
mileage. For example, one Donkey spotted on a 10-mile ride would give a DCS
score of -0.1 (1 divided by -10 = -0.1). Similarly 3 Donkeys spotted on a
50-mile ride would score a DCS of -0.06. A positive DCS can be achieved where
the number of Donkeys spotted is greater that the mileage ridden: 10 Donkeys spotted
on an 8-mile ride would score +1.25 (10 divided by 8).
3.
Since the official Belters jerseys
were issued, several members have commented on an apparent drought of Donkey
spottings. There is a fear that the jerseys may be jinxed (either that or
Donkeys relocate to the seaside during the summer months and have therefore
been missing from the fields and paddocks of Cheshire, Shropshire and
neighbouring counties). As such, a sub-section of the club committee has deemed
it necessary to appoint a Donkey substitute. In extreme cases, club members may
use Shetland ponies as ‘Donkey Methadone’. Whilst Shetlands may be used for
temporary relief from the effects of going ‘Cold-Donkey’, Shetlands can not be
used for the purpose of scoring a ride as outlined in rule 2 above.
4.
The miniature Donkeys at the Ice
Cream Farm, Tattenhall, are worth half a point each only.
5.
A ‘known’ Donkey is a good Donkey,
but a previously unspotted Donkey is nirvana.
6.
See Rule #5 at www.velominati.com
7.
No Belter shall ever become an
accomplished climber. We strive to climb like [dande]lions.
8.
No Belter shall ever shave his/her
legs – this is in direct contradiction to ‘Rule #33’.**
9.
All passing cyclists, pedestrians,
horse-riders and other roadside peasants should be greeted with a hearty
“Hello”. Don’t be disheartened if you fail to get a response – not everyone is
as cheery as a Belter and they may lack the wherewithal and/or confidence to
reciprocate your greeting.
10.
Like God, the word Donkey shall
always be written with an upper case ‘D’. (OK, God begins with a G but you know
what I mean.) These majestic animals are worthy of our total respect and anyone
using a lower case ‘d’ or disrespecting the honour of the species in any other
way shall receive an eternal damnation of punctures.
11.
Alpacas are the anti-Donkey. They may
look similar from a distance, but they are “Fool’s Donkeys”. Do not be drawn
into their evil world of strange wool, long necks and weird little faces. And
never, ever look one in the eyes…
12.
Cake, pies, chips and curry are all
isotonic. Dieticians, physicians, professional athletes and doctors may try to
tell you otherwise, but they are not to be believed.
13.
A rider does not have to live on ‘The
Lane’ to be a Belter, but must ride on ‘The Lane’ at least once in the year to
validate his/her membership of the Veloclub for that calendar year.
14.
Fat
is the new thin.
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